Provoking Kurt
by justaholyfool
Summary: Blaine loves teasing Kurt on Facebook - and sometimes the Glee Club gives him a little back. T for some language and for mentioning mature themes. Notes: Sam's out as bi, and the Twitter section reads bottom-up, like a Twitter feed. KLAINE!


**KURT HUMMEL **Simple axiom of fashion: if it makes you say, "What were you THINKING?" – they weren't not thinking. _**Mercedes Jones **likes this_.  
><strong>Wes Dreyer <strong>yea like you and blaine getting together _**Blaine Anderson **likes this._  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>YOU IMPUGN MY HONOR, SIR  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>1) ...Yes, Wes, exactly like that. 2) Blaine, go away. 3) Cedes, I'm talking to you. _**Santana Lopez **likes this_.  
><strong>Mercedes Jones <strong>WHAAAAAAAT. You're a hater. They're cute  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>They're Crocs and Uggs' bastard child, AND they've got little alligators on them.  
><strong>Mercedes Jones <strong>They're BEES  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>They're GREEN. They have TEETH.  
><strong>Mercedes Jones <strong>Yellow BEES with STINGERS  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong> ALLIGATORS.  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>WHERE?

**BLAINE ANDERSON** → **Wes Dreyer **Don't hate, appreciate!  
><strong>Wes Dreyer <strong>woah woah woah your hatred on my opinions is just as much hatred, kiddo... and u kno i love u... i say, dont hate, fornicate  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Adorable. You know my sister has a Facebook.  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>and internet access. i know how all the parts go together, nbd.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>You don't even go here.  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>i know. i just have a lot of feelings.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Okay, go home.  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong> heelllllll naw, bro, i'm the one who misses YOU. YOU come home.  
><strong> Blaine Anderson <strong>Okay. I'll come home this weekend and bring Kurt.  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>YAY :D  
><strong>Wes Dreyer <strong>yo shut up, this is my wall  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong> you jelly?  
><strong>Wes Dreyer <strong>mostly of kurt. _**Blaine Anderson, Julie Anderson, **and **Kurt Hummel **like this._

**KURT HUMMEL** →** Blaine Anderson **So, any plans for the weekend trololololol /creepin'  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong> Yeah yeah I was about to text you, quickdraw. /cowboyfetish**  
><strong>**Kurt Hummel **I was about to text yo' mama. /yomamafetish _**Puck Puckerman **likes this._  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>:-( Does this remind you of Pavarotti  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>GTFO

**RACHEL BERRY** →** Kurt Hummel **sooo i was creeping lol and i saw you and blaine r going away this weekend... but i'm having my birthday party and i wanted you guys to be here! :((((  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I'll talk to manbrows. _**Santana Lopez **and **Puck Puckerman** like this.  
><em>**Blaine Anderson **At least I know what sex is. _**Santana Lopez** and **Puck Puckerman **like this.  
><em>**  
>KURT HUMMEL <strong>→** Blaine Anderson **At least my Patronous isn't a unicorn made out of pansies.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>At least I have a mother  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Fuck you.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>That's not a threat, bud. Remember how you don't know what sex is?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>We're breaking up.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>We're not on the phone, so how can the connection be bad?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>RIGHT, I meant to call you. I'm calling you.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Just herpin' my derp on the phone with Kurt Hummel  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>You just masked a burp. We're breaking up.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>HATERS GONNA HATE  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Goddamn it get your tea that is SO SHRILL  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>owait I like that because I like to hear you sing LAWL  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>STFU. Why are you so awful? WBU.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Hai my name's Kurt I do crossword puzzles while on the phone with my bf because he bores me  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>STOP you're reminding me of my dead mother.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Poo-tee-fuckin'-weet, bro. I'm over it  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>WBTFU  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>:-((((((  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>8)))))))  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Fine. I get Mercedes!  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>You BITCH.

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Mercedes Jones **hey hey, shawty want a piece of this? ;-) _**Kurt Hummel **likes this.  
><em>**Mercedes Jones **Uhmmmmmmm... Kurt?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Take him, Cedes. He's gross. He burps. He likes those little yippy dogs. He hits on them.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>That was ONE time  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>but yeah ;-* u liek wut u c bb?  
><strong>Mercedes Jones <strong>Lmao, I love you guys.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Threesome? _**Puck Puckerman **likes this._  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>BLAINE _**Mercedes Jones **likes this._  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Does that mean no?

**BLAINE ANDERSON **is FOREVER ALONE  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>likes this.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Forever a bone ;-)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Forever a groan. X(  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Forever a moan ;-D  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>DO YOU HAVE AN OFF BUTTON  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Not for you, baby ;-O _**Mercedes Jones **likes this._  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>MERCEDES

**KURT HUMMEL **dislikes his boyfriend.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>I thought we broke up?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Oh, right.  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>wait, what?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Not really. He's just the worst human being alive.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>You seem a little defensive, Kurt. Was it necessary to tell everyone that I'm alive? Isn't that a given? Or did you think they might suspect something else about... you know... the kind of people you like?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>(...Dead people.) _**Santana Lopez **likes this._  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>? wtf guys  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Fuck off, Anderson, you privileged porcelain bird!  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Touchy.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>*touches* _**Santana Lopez **likes this._  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>can someone please explain what is happening

**KURT HUMMEL** →** Finn Hudson **Basically: never talk to the hobbit.

**FINN HUDSON** →** Kurt Hummel **are you talkin bout blain or rachel _**Santana Lopez**, **Artie Abrams**, and **Kurt Hummel **like this._  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>FINN! :'(  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>i didnt mean to call you that, kurts just bein weird

**KURT HUMMEL** →** Finn Hudson **Why would I insult someone as vengeful as Rachel? How about you use your thinking brain next time we talk?

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Rachel Berry **I am so sorry you had to be a casualty in the revelation of Kurt's necrophilia _**Rachel Berry **likes this._  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>iiiif you want my (dead) booooody, and you think i'm seeeexyyy... _**Blaine Anderson **likes this._  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Please marry me  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Disgusting, the both of you.

**SANTANA LOPEZ** →** Blaine Anderson **RIP _**Blaine Anderson **likes this._  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Thank you for your condolences  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I hate you all.

**RACHEL BERRY** →** Kurt Hummel **Idk if you can come to my party...we live 2 blocks down from a cemetery... _**Blaine Anderson **likes this._  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>its a pet cemetery rach  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>EVEN WORSE :-O _**Rachel Berry **likes this._

**KURT HUMMEL **→** Rachel Berry **I am going to kill you.  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>i thought you were gay? _**Blaine Anderson **likes this._  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>Can gay people not kill other people? Does that mean not killing people makes you gay?  
><strong>Puck Puckerman <strong>yes.

**BRITTANY P **edited her "Interested In."

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Rachel Berry **He's just feeling snarky because life expectancies are longer than ever these days. We talked about it, and we can go, but would it be okay if I brought my sister Julie? She still needs to meet Kurt. She's fifteen, but she's cool. She can't sing, though  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>lol. Sure! does she know the nature of the beverages that will be provided?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Yes. She said, quote, "Cool, I've always wanted to brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack" _**Puck Puckerman **likes this.  
><em>**Puck Puckerman **I have never been so happy NOT to yet be 18... just sayin  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Dude, really?  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>puck, no! and awesomeeee! i'll text you the times and stuff when finn and i finalize it

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Puck Puckerman **If you touch my sister, there will be undapper consequences  
><strong>Puck Puckerman <strong>yessir  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>That's all it took?  
><strong>Puck Puckerman <strong>i dont need hands, bro. i'm what they call a "look ma, no hands" kinda guy... if ya know what i mean ;)  
><strong>Puck Puckerman <strong>(i mean i dont need my hands to get her off)  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Shockingly, even with the clarification, I don't feel any better.  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>Does it get awkward having your mom in the room?  
><strong>Puck Puckerman <strong>?  
><strong>Santana Lopez <strong>it's an idiom.  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>No I'm not!  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I love you for that, Britt. No hetero.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>!

**BLAINE ANDERSON **→ **Kurt Hummel **Traitor :-( You ate my heart and then you ate my brain  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Hooker prostitute wench.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>But I'm still in love with Judas, baby ^o^ _**Kurt Hummel **likes this.  
><em>**Kurt Hummel **^_^  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>Is Judas a girl? Because then it's not cheating!  
><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> ?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>When you meet Britt, you'll understand that's a very normal reaction. It could be all of our senior quotes in the yearbook, and it would be accurate across the board. _**Tina C-C**, **Sam Evans**, **Rachel Berry**, and **2 others **like this.  
><em>**Tina C-C **or it could just be britt's yrbook picture... instead of her face, just: ?  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>it's true. my motives are questionable. _**Kurt Hummel **likes this.  
><em>**Blaine Anderson **You guys are weird. _**Tina C-C **and **Mercedes Jones **like this.  
><em>**Kurt Hummel **Takes one to know one, betch.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Love it when you talk dirty to me bb ;-o _**Mercedes Jones **and **Santana Lopez **like this.  
><em>**Kurt Hummel **Oh, right. Broken THE HELL up.

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Kurt Hummel **Hey hey hey, five days until the partay! _**Kurt Hummel **likes this._

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Kurt Hummel **Hey hey hey, four and a third days until the partay! (sent by Blackberry)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Please don't do this.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>FOUR DAYSSSS

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Kurt Hummel **Hey hey hey, three days and twenty-three hours until the partay! (sent by Blackberry)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Blaine, I am dead serious. I am going to delete you as a friend if you don't stop.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>That's not what your eyes say, bb 3 (sent by Blackberry)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Excuse me?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Well, you're looking at pictures of me on Facebook, so I think it's something you'd dearly regret, to delete me. (sent by Blackberry)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>WTF  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>ohai i c u thar (sent by Blackberry)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>WHAT. ARE THOSE BINOCULARS? _**Blaine Anderson **likes this.  
><em>**Kurt Hummel **GET OUT OF MY YARD.  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>And into my pants ;-)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I DIDN'T WRITE THAT.

**KURT HUMMEL **i love my bf more than i liek fashion!  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>my avorite thing is football  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>i hate scarves lol  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>im so annoying omg i wish i was bird  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>im pragnant  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>speaking of infants wuts for dinner  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>BLAINE GEOFFREY ANDERSON WROTE ALL OF THAT. IT'S COOL, THOUGH, HE'S DEAD NOW.  
><strong>Santana Lopez <strong>just the way you like it, boyboy.  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>At least he doesn't TALK anymore.

**FINN HUDSON** →** Kurt Hummel ** is blaine in our house?  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I had nothing to do with it.  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>ok does he want pizza? burt and i are ordering now.  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong> Could you come up here to talk to me?  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>no  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>He wants artichokes.  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>for real or is that a gay thing _**Blaine Anderson **likes this.  
><em>**Blaine Anderson **Fo' rizzle. I'll get back to you on the other part. (sent by Blackberry)

**KURT HUMMEL** →** Blaine Anderson **I miss you.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW it.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>I miss you too. But don't worry! There's only three and five-sixths days left until the partay!  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Affection rescinded.

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Kurt Hummel **Hey hey hey, onl - *shot* _**Kurt Hummel **likes this.  
><em>**Santana Lopez **;) nommin tiiiime _**Rachel Berry **and **Blaine Anderson **like this._

**RACHEL BERRY **is 17!  
><strong>Santana Lopez <strong>...it's not that exciting when you think about it  
><strong>Rachel Berry <strong>right? I always expected to have been onstage for at least 4 years by this time :(

**JACOB BEN ISRAEL** → **Rachel Berry** one more year and then no one will care ;-D... counting the days3  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>leave her alone man, or ill fuck you up.

**FINN HUDSON **→** Rachel Berry **happy birthday beautiful  
><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>but maybe you shld delete jacobs post...

**MERCEDES JONES** →** Rachel Berry **HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIIIRRRLLLL! See you tonight!

**TINA C-C** →** Rachel Berry **Happy birthday! Partyin', partyin'...

**MIKE CHANG** →** Rachel Berry **haaaaaaaaaappy biiiiirthdaaaaay

**BLAINE ANDERSON** →** Rachel Berry **Happy birthday! The party don't start 'til you walk in!

**KURT HUMMEL** →** Rachel Berry **Bon anniversaire! J'essayerai t'arreter de trop boire. ;)

**SAM EVANS** →** Rachel Berry **happy birthday!

**ARTIE ABRAMS** →** Rachel Berry **Rappy hirthday Bachel!

**BRITTANY P **→ **Rachel Berry **Merry Christmas! I thought you were Buddhist

**SANTANA LOPEZ** →** Rachel Berry **birthday wishes pending quality of alcohol.

**JESSE ST. JAMES** →** Rachel Berry **hbd

**BLAINE ANDERSON **is out with the boyf and kin. (sent by Blackberry)

**BLAINE ANDERSON **HOLLAAAAAAA dudes and ladydudes, Mckinley high is live tweetin from rachel's 17th birthday party... hit us up! buckaroo11, santittany, teenytinytina #rachzpartybitchezz _**Blaine Anderson**, **Santana Lopez**, **Rachel Berry**, and **10 others** like this.  
><em>**Mike Chang **mkinley hiiiiiigh 8D  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>"Facial expressions are reality's hashtags."  
><strong>Quinn Fabray <strong>"there is no way we could possibly regret this"

**santittany** everyone regrets everything.

**teenytinytina** Mike: My current physical state is not enviable.

**buckaroo11** Kurt status: suddenly unconscious. Boyfriend status: mildly concerned

**santittany** lez do the time warp... again.

**buckaroo11** "THE COLORS, CHILDREN!"  
><strong>buckaroo11<strong> "fuckin lesbians, how do they work?"

**santittany** "i'll never understand lesbians"  
><strong>santittany<strong> → **buckaroo11** slow & steady wins the race.

**buckaroo11 **→ **santittany** "you've got a... .heh... hare down there"  
><strong>buckaroo11 <strong>Kurt status: caped

**santittany** "rabbits are a sex thing"  
><strong>santittany<strong> "Kurt's a magician!"  
><strong>santittany<strong> → buckaroo11 wanky ~ ~ ~ ~

**buckaroo11** → santittany when you party naked

**santittany** sam's grinding on puck, and puck likes it. shit happens.  
><strong>santittany<strong> "i CAN'T... NOT... i... i wish i were drunk"

**buckaroo11** Kurt status: in denial  
><strong>buckaroo11<strong> butts are TOTALLY awesome  
><strong>buckaroo11<strong> RT **santittany**: "butts are awesome"

**santittany** "butts are awesome"

**buckaroo11** Kurt status: irascible, and weirdly/cutely protective of Julie  
><strong>buckaroo11<strong> Julie, I am so sorry. For everything

**santittany** "gay guys... poop their babies" "rachel is a poop baby. QED"  
><strong>santittany<strong> "a little one. like a panda, they're like jelly beans."

**buckaroo11** "It's there, but it's not big enough."

**santittany** she is beacon of hilarity. "maybe when YOU have a baby, we'll see what you can really do." sam is like... hmmm  
><strong>santittany<strong> daddy issues  
><strong>santittany<strong> she's an artist at heart

**buckaroo11** Kurt status: inebriated. Note: boyfriend looks 6 when inebriated. Discomfiting

**santittany** the green fairy tells her what to do  
><strong>santittany<strong> → buckaroo11 suck it.

**buckaroo11** → **santittany** Offended.

**santittany** quinn likes green fairies (not talking about **buckaroo11**)

**teenytinytina** (azn) SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS ~ everybody ^^

**santittany** "there's no way in *hell* we will regret this, guys"

**buckaroo11** Kurt status: ashamed to be associated with Blaine  
><strong>buckaroo11<strong> → **santittany** yeeeee yeeeeeeeee

**santittany**santana loggin on after like a month. the warbler had the brain flash that to live tweet to remember this night... quinn already agrees

**JULIE ANDERSON **is now friends with **Kurt Hummel **and **9 others**.

**SANTANA LOPEZ **→ **Rachel Berry **happy belated, berry. good looks on the party.  
><strong><br>KURT HUMMEL **Regrets... I've had a few.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Then again... too few to mention ;-)  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>you got that right kurt... i'm pregnant _**Blaine Anderson **likes this.  
><em>**Julie Anderson **fuck you blaine  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>And why not? After all, the only risk is that I pick up whatever diseases Kurt's given you  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>euuuuurrgrghhhh is that likely?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Kurt has ALL the diseases  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Blaine, get the fuck out. Julie, I'm sorry, but the kid is not my son.  
><strong>Sam Evans <strong>it could be mine  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>god damn it i said ONE non-straight hookup tonight

**BLAINE ANDERSON** → **Kurt Hummel **BILLY JEAN IS NOT MY LOOOOOVAH  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>SHE'S JUST A GUUUURL WHO THINKS THAT  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>I AM THE OOOOOONE  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>BUT THE KIIIIID IS NOT MY SON (sorry, Kurt) (kind of)  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>(thinks that IIiiiiii am the ooooone)  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Oh my god it's like a cult.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>A sexy cult of sexy  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>I forget when anyone said you could talk.

**KURT HUMMEL **→** Julie Anderson **Wait, then who was your other non-straight hookup?  
><strong>Santana Lopez <strong>Sam Bi Am.  
><strong>Sam Evans <strong>other than me... satan.  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>Can you guys do your nonsexual flirting somewhere else?  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>lmao. and kurt: it was blaine obvvv  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>...I'm not sure whether I've ever been more uncomfortable. _**Blaine Anderson **and **Julie Anderson **like this.  
><em>**Julie Anderson **then we are doing our job!

**KURT HUMMEL **Blaine Anderson and Julie Anderson are a force to be reckoned with.  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>...in bed  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>...at laundromats  
><strong>Julie Anderson (<strong>ya know, on top of the washers)  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>...in a car (gotcha)  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>...in public  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>...with your parents. Conceiving you  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>woah buddy. are you my father or my brother?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Why can't I be both? ;-)  
><strong>Julie Anderson <strong>*shudder*  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>I understand, finally, the need to brooch one's eyes out  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>What the HELL, you two?

**BLAINE ANDERSON **→ **Kurt Hummel **YOU MARRIED INTO MADNESS  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>:'''(  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>I CAN MAKE IT ALL BETTER BB 3

**BLAINE ANDERSON **and **Kurt Hummel **are married. _**Blaine Anderson**, **Kurt Hummel**, and **20 others** like this.  
><em>**Brittany P **Really?  
><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>That's what we get for waking up in Vegas :-\  
><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>We went all the way tonight.  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>Oh you went all the way to Vegas! Say hi to Ludovic for me!  
><strong>Santana Lopez <strong>britt you've never been to vegas  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>San the sewer systems are a lot more complex than you'd think  
><strong>Brittany P <strong>Like me. _**Kurt Hummel** and **Blaine Anderson **like this._


End file.
